Wrapped up in the gift

 If you have had children in your life you have had this experience.  You find a gift for them, something perfect, something that suits them and you know they will love it.  You have the anticipation as you wrap it up and tie the bow.  You get so excited the day arrives and you give them this gift.  As they unwrap it they are wide eyed, mouth open or perhaps a shout of glee! They wrap their arms around you or give you that big smile and you know in that moment they know they are loved....keep that word in your mind...moment.....because if you know children that is how long the magic lasted.  In a matter of time, they still love the gift, but at times it will become the main source of their frustration, especially if its a video game...., It will become their biggest heartache, picture a lost teddy bear, or their forgotten item under a stack of other items when they are bored....  What happened.....what brought them excitement and joy has now fizzled to boredom or worse frustration or pain.....

They got wrapped up in the gift...and forgot the giver...  We are all gifted in various ways, made by a creator who designed us to work together, not against each other or in isolation.  However like the children the gift that brings us joy can often lead to frustration, pain or even boredom.  Let me let you in to my story.  I grew up with mothering in my heart.  I loved playing house, I loved my dolls, they were so real to me.  All I wanted was to have "Real" baby items to play with as a kid.  Then I babysat and worked in childcare and summer camps.  It came natural, I loved it more then any other jobs I had.  I flew through my college classes in child development because it seemed common knowledge to my brain.  Then my moment came....I was finally about to become a mom.  Use the gift my Father in heaven had given me...6 weeks into my first pregnancy (so anxious to use this gift...I was unmarried and in my second year of college) problems began in my pregnancy...still undeterred I pressed through and I mourned every pregnancy thing I read about all these wonderful moments of pregnancy I should be experiencing while hooked up to daily IVS and on bed rest. At 26 weeks along when the doctor came in and said if we can't stop labor your daughter might be deaf and blind and will be in the nicu for months......still I hung on to a different kind of mom but I can do this....while secrectly mourning for my desires... Gracefully with 10 more weeks of bedrest, God gave me a beautiful healthy girl, but not after almost coming within 30 minutes of losing my own.  Still I felt my gift can't be used up already....... I am 19.... so against medical advice I went on 2 years later and got pregnant and miscarried, surly by now people were sure I was done, but it was all I could be and again got pregnant and 9 months later in a very difficult delivery had a preemie boy.  At 21 the doctor said no more babies......my heart shattered in a million pieces with those words.  Despite permanent measures being taken I probably had 20 more pregnancy tests after that just in case or a miracle..... none to be had.. 

I turned to my creator in frustration, in pain, in boredom as my now 5 and 7 year olds headed off to school....why did you give me a love and a passion for something I can't hold on to??  Am I not a good enough person, mother, child...... So many questions in a moment that I wasn't even looking in the right direction for answers.  People would say you are lucky you had 2 and even a boy and a girl....yet I couldn't understand why I couldn't wrap my mind around that.  It didn't feel lucky, it felt lonely and scary and selfish.  Then as time went on God sent us on the path of adoption and in 2 years we went from that 5 and 7 year old and tearful days while they were at school to a house of a 11 month old, a 2 year old, two 3 year olds, a two 6 year olds and an eight year old.....I was feeling blessed and warm and cozy and again running to my Father thanking him for blessing me and this dream of a full house and momming to so many in my favorite age groups, then homeschooling....I gave Him a hug and a smile when he gave me the gift.....then fast forward into a little bit of time and again I was frusterated that no one was getting along and this one didn't like me and that one was lonely and left out, I was sad that homeschooling wasn't picture perfect and I was tired and in pain as some situations grew worse.  Then I stepped back and God showed me....

I was in love with the gift he gave me, being a mom running a house, singing silly preschool songs and snuggling with footed pj kids.  I had forgotten the one who gave me the gift, the one who loved me more, the one who promised to sustain me through it all.  I can look at every time  I was overwhelmed and frustrated and angry and sad and realize it was when I was focused on my gift not working the way I wanted it to.  It was because I was so afraid to lose the gift that if anything threatened it I would break down in tears or anger.  It was the only thing that created real jealousy in my soul.  But everytime I turned back to the Giver my anxiety and jealousy would subside, my anger would subdue and my tears would dry.  I would have enough for another day and I would again enjoy the gift.  You see the gift is meant to be a reminder of the giver.  The gift in itself will not sustain.  The Giver will.