That's Why I Trust Him

Yesterday  I was singing a song at church that touched my soul, the verse said, "I sought the Lord and he heard and he answered.... that's why I trust him"  For the last 5 or more years I have had to deal with a lot of soul searching within my own faith.  I haven't once lost the love for God or doubted his existence, but I have questioned things that I have heard from the community of believers, pastors, social media, family, friends and most importantly personal experiences.  I find the best way to explain it is biblical, it is all nonsense....we cannot fathom the ways of an all mighty omnipresent God in the same way a 2 year old cannot comprehend the mind of an adult.  I have learned a lot about myself and my walk and my life.  I have clearly seen and experienced what it is to live without God's presence in my life and when he transformed me, I have lived in a marriage where I have seen a husband live without the presence of God in his life and then a transformed man.  I have seen those who claim to have known his presence but have had no transformation of the mind and I have seen those who God is working on come closer and closer to the person who can live a transformed life.  

I have recently been working through counseling and learned something about disassociation, when you are young and things are unable to be processed emotionally children will disassociated from it, their mind goes elsewhere and allows them to survive.  I often went to Jesus, even when I didn't really know him.  For me way before I knew Jesus I saw him as I was in an ambulance being hurried away with an allergic reaction.  I cried as I sang to my dolls imagining how Mary must have felt with baby Jesus at Christmas, I prayed when I didn't even really understand his love for me. He gave me and my daughter a miracle in an ICU as I was dying along with my 26 week old baby.  I begged him to save my baby during a miscarriage when I didn't yet understand his ways.

He brought me understanding of who he was in my young 20s.  When I thought life was out of control and didn't understand. He gently walked me through times of growth as I fought his ways like an angry teenager and waited for me to see his hands had never left my side.  I would later watch that ICU baby grown to be an amazing woman about to be a mother herself, I would see that the same month I lost that baby a little girl was born in a country across the world that would become my daughter 12 years later and she would also learn of His love.  I would see the blessing of a baby boy who was born 10 months after that miscarriage.  I would watch a marriage transform into something that is life giving and being with my best friend.  I would see the addition of 2 beautiful girls into our family that would teach me about the love that can surpass racial differences because honestly their isn't much difference at all, except what the world puts out there.  I would see 3 very sick Liberian babies grow into healthy adults who don't see racial/cultural boundaries within their family only family love, which is now extended to beautiful grandkids who love their rainbow family and are equally loved.

That is what I want people to know about Jesus, not politics, not separation, not differences....I want them to see LOVE, I want them to see even when we don't see it or know it HE is with us walking with us. The world has evil and it always has.  Don't fall for it, within that perceived evil is the lie.  There is LOVE that triumphs and overcomes, just hang in there.