RAD parents

 Before I was a Milly I was a Mom, which is usually how it goes.  We have raised many children from some hard places.  Most of the time we did have challenges, adjustment disorders, tantrums, rages.... all comes with the territory of healing.  But healing is the operative word, over time, hearts healed and the children and us developed bonds.  So when I call myself a RAD mom, I am not referring to the 80s rad...I am referring to a specific disorder Reactive Attachment Disorder.  Something that we have dealt with for the past 15 years.  It is far beyond the typical adjustment disorder, depression, anxiety that is to be expected in the course of an adoption.  As even the best adoption begins with the traumatic event of being separated from a birth parent.  The best way I can explain RAD's affect on a parent is a miscarriage of the heart. As I experienced an actual miscarriage, you carry a child and you dream and imagine all the things you will do and experience the flood of love and emotion only for the pregnancy not to result in that child.  A miscarriage of the heart, is carrying a child for (in our case) 15 years and constantly dream of what it could be or should be like only to have them reach adulthood and not have any bond back to you.  In fact these past years you are in their eyes the "cause" of all things.  You are the adversary.  Now I have raised teenagers and I know that comes with the territory as kids grow to adults.  But this is to the highest level.  We have holes in the wall and fence where it has been punched through, we have had numerous police calls including multiple family violence calls and one pending court case, numerous dishes and knick knacks you treasured smashed or broken in fits of rage, always caused by you "aggravating them".   Sleeping with locked doors and having to hide valuables because of shoplifting problems.  A bedroom kept so disgusting that even though you go in an try to clean it often it regularly has old food smashed into the carpet and holes in the wall.  A mattress on the floor because the 2 beds (one metal and one wooden) have been broken beyond repair and this is the 3rd mattress because the other 2 were torn though to the springs.  When asked why he lives this way.....you disrespect me so I disrespect you is the answer.  Here the kicker with RAD when they want to be they can be compliant or even charming and often do this in public (counseling, school, work) at least for a short period of time leaving people thinking what is the big deal.  But when you look at the big picture and see they have had 18 jobs in 2 years, or are lying about why they are truant.  We have had situations when people have come to our house with canned foods because he convinced them we don't feed him enough to get free boxing lessons.  

Get help you say.....RAD is on the of the most difficult things to get treatment for.  We have done neuropsych, psychologist, occupational, speech, physical therapy......  We looked into residential but due to fighting at school he was too much of a risk, or our insurance didn't cover it and it was thousands per day.  Not to mention an angry child who doesn't want to go and refuses to swallow meds when he doesn't want to take them comes home even more angry.  As a young child you have more say and control....but as they get older and bigger and angrier, getting them in a car to cooperate or take medications is impossible.  They will open a car door while you are driving!  It is probably the most unspoken situations familiar to so many adoptive families.  Like I said this is not the normal we have raised 5 other children from hard places who thrived.  But often like a hidden secret RAD families feel they can't be honest about their experience.  

We should be celebrating this time of moving to adulthood, but instead its the ending of a very hard chapter.  I do believe all things are possible with God, but that is what it will take for the RAD child to become an adult who takes the mental health seriously for themselves and seek the help they need to move from the narcisstic mindset. For now we will grieve instead of rejoice the miscarriage of our hearts, but we will hope as long as we have breath that they will come to see and all is not lost.