Having time and taking time

The new me?

So one thing that I looked forward to when my kids were little was having time to myself...usually to get some things done.  However, I have found that now that they are older and some have moved out I have plenty of time but I have forgotten how to take time.  Things in life haven't necessarily gotten easier but different.  When the kids were little my days were filled with making food, cleaning messes and staying on top of what type of shenanigan's they were getting into at any moment. During those time I worried that I wasn't enjoying the time with them, or was wishing away days or stages.  I used to think what will it be like when I can get caught up on the laundry or when I don't have to figure out what is for dinner again.  Now that mine are older we have many nights where all the kids are out and its just Grandy and I.  I forgot how to cook for two so we either have way too much food or we order in.  There is a relaxing aspect to it, but also I feel like I am missing something, like I have let laziness soak in...  I used to be able to bake cookies and in a day they were mostly gone allowing me to bake up another treat the next day.  Now I have so many that after a few days no one wants those dry crumbly ones so they get tossed. 

I know from talking to lots of other people in my stage of life this transition is hard and I am not alone in trying to figure out what to do.  I am not the 19 year old I was before I became a mom to a tiny one, so going back to what I used to do isn't an option.  But I never really planned for what I wanted to do when I wasn't building a family.  I was always a person with a goal or a plan and honestly it just feels weird.  Then add on a chronic illness that makes working unlikely, at least in a career sense....didn't plan that either.  

What I do know is I need to learn to take time not just have time.  Having time looks something life this...clean up and then play a lot of candy crush and read some terrible news and mindlessly scroll through social media and aimlessly wander looking for snacks.....  Its every busy moms dream day :) but after a few days....its boring...mind numbing....  Talking to my daughter the other day I was talking about starting an adult life an having to seek out opportunities and find ways to engage yourself in activities you enjoy.

I have to say if I could go back I would tell my younger self don't worry about the daily woes, you are enjoying it because you are going to miss it.  But to my current self I have to give grace and say its time to take time to find out who are you at this point.  Enjoy the moments I can be a sounding board for older kids, a Milly to my sweet grandbaby and me.  Its time to discover me all over again.  Hopefully this time I can learn from the past and not stress it as I walk through it.  Although it seems scary to some degree because one might never know what they will find....I am excited to see where this road leads.....now to get up off the couch and put down the phone.