Sucker.......

Somedays I feel like I must have SUCKER tattooed on my forehead...or perhaps on a sign on my back.  Learning to stand up for myself is not something that has come easily to me.  I tend to avoid conflict and want to create peace in any situation.  Sometimes this has served me well....never had many fights, I can get along with most people.  When I was young people would say I was sweet and back then I hated that description, I wanted something with more power...funny, determined, smart, strong....but sweet always felt weak and powerless.  I have always been an optimist and often have the rose colored glasses.  I have always felt like we can take on anything and I grew to love that about myself as I grew.  I started to see sweet as powerful, because I saw sweet and caring can often bring about powerful change and much more then strength and attitude.  I saw my family blossom and grow in part because of those rose colored glasses.  Had I been logical or cynical I probably would not have the family we have today.

That said..."sweet" living has a downside.... It has been termed doormat, sucker... and more colorful words.  While I love that people feel comfortable talking with me and sharing things, I also have a wide open door for people who take and take until I am bone dry....  Or people who think that they can push me around until I give in.  Often my opinions are not counted as seriously as others.  It's easy to spot as I get older, they usually will insist I am the one they talk to, yell at..... because they feel I will give in.  They don't often make me smile, most of their positive energy towards me is followed by what I can do for them.  Honestly if I was incapable of doing for them they would have no use for me.  It has been incredibly helpful for me to recognize these people in my life and remind myself I owe them nothing.

I honestly love loving on people (as they say in the south).  I like doing things for others, it brings me joy in itself.  When these people are in my day it sucks the joy out and over time it can really start to make me go back to those childhood feelings of  sweet being a weak ineffective person.  I find myself in a place where I start to become cynical, I lose joy in the simple and realize that the harm in my personality type is turning the blame on myself, when honestly I don't owe anyone anything.  The joy is doing things because I love to.  I have learned to recognize those feelings and acknowledge that I am great the way I am and to those who wish to use me or question my motives, that is part of their own struggle that I am in no way bound to solve nor did I create.  

I hope this reaches at least one person who struggles like I do at times and needs to hear....You are perfectly you...you do not owe that person your hope, joy or peace.  You are not responsible for the actions of others and you are not less of a person because you could not fix someone else's life or situation.